Dec

13

As this is only my opinion, we always adopted a very laissez faire approach to media materials in the house. Since the lure of the "Forbidden Fruit" is so great, we dispensed with any censorship and instead engaged in discussion why the lyrics of 50 Cent were so poorly written, the music bad, extremely crude and misogynistic (yet we never banned the music). Same thing with the TV show "Southpark," the artistic renderings of Playboy and certain websites.

Realizing that nothing was forbidden within an age appropriate setting, we faced no rebellion or major dishonesty on our son's part. Since the media is so pervasive, we did monitor what our son viewed and participated in, and managed to find ways to discuss the merits or lack of, in his media choices. We never told him that "Ludicrous is a bunch of crap and don't let me hear you listening to him or you're grounded." We did discuss the merits of what he saw and heard, the pros and cons. Not all rap music is bad, not all German Industrial Death Metal is bad, just as not all the content of Playboy is bad….In fact all of the aforementioned have very many positive things, I tried to concentrate on the good parts while comparing the bad parts with other things and values he knew was bad.

Somehow, kids are very resourceful and will find out about forbidden fruit, especially those children from strict or religious homes or homes where the children are under constant parental surveillance. Although this is anecdotal, I've noticed strict parents increase the allure of the forbidden, and this allows for the children not only to pursue the forbidden, but to need to lie about it to the parents creating a double whammy of dishonesty and the tragedy of leading a double life.

Our house was a haven for children from repressive homes, a place where frank discussion could take place without punishment, reprisal, or tattling to other parents. (On the other hand, we did tattle when we heard about activities that were illegal, immoral, or drug related). Our dinner table discussions were legendary, comparable to any salon in Paris, but the Boulevardiers being replaced with 10-17 year old tow headed kids. Honest, frank discussions about music, movies, current events, art, porn, and literature create a trust, a bond between children and parents that transcends any generational boundaries. As my son so eloquently told me, "The reason I never rebelled is because you never gave me a reason to rebel." I like to think that I had something to do to help my son become a world class free thinker, a son who actually had the courage to vote for Bob Barr while I wussed out and voted for McCain.


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6 Comments so far

  1. Steven Thorpe on December 13, 2010 3:28 pm

    My wife and I dont have any kids yet, but I can tell you I just forwarded this along to her.

    This has been our discussed approach since we began dating, and we can only hope, regardless of our age, comes a continued desire to implement this strategy.

  2. Rob Harrison on December 13, 2010 10:54 pm

    That’s how we raised our kids. A good portion of my iPod is inspired by them: Metallica, DJ Crush, Sage Francis, Ludicrous, and several other artists. We were also quite open with them and still are.

  3. Snoops McGerk on December 14, 2010 2:55 am

    I find what you wrote here very good- I think it’s correct for the most part.

    I would also add that many individuals aren’t capable of facing truth in every area of life. We all choose spots to be blind, and sometimes, these blind spots (often hidden by false beliefs,) buttress us from a fall.

    Hope in the goodness of the world and human nature are important beliefs for people to keep in their minds. And if this is not possible, at least a sense of gratitude. By this I mean situational and circumstantial gratitude. The process of not resisting lifes turns, to hold firm to the “belief” that there is a lesson, reason or purpose.

    As for rebelling, some people rebel out of weakness, others stand firm and stay the course out of the very same sort of weakness. Too often we think we know better why people do what they do, even though we don’t hold these same thoughts- if we are aspiring to be wise… about the markets.

    For example, some rebel because of the lack of beliefs to fill the void of the ones their reason, (or someone elses,) shined the light on. Beliefs are value parachutes that stop people from free-falling. Reason is persuasive, and when not guided by a sense of tutored value, it has the potential to make anyone rebel.

    As for John McCain, I think John McCain is a lying idiot, and thought so when he was running. You might have thought differently. The situation with your son and voting for Bob Barr shows that… sometimes… a youths supposed ignorance and propensity to rebel- can be valuable. Maybe he did rebel after all. Or maybe his rebellion was just another illusion to give people the belief that they have a choice.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bo21AUnQUm4&feature=related

    I think the process of youth has a sense of knowledge itself because it is so hard to through off optimism while being involved in it. Drunken optimism… sometimes. Even if this is wrong, one thing is for sure… the process of growing old may gain in the wisdom of living, but it steals mercifully from optimism. And optimism is usually a necessity for good ideas.

  4. Jeff Watson on December 14, 2010 11:50 am

    Snoops. I like your nom de plume. I voted for McCain because I did not wish to waste a vote. I am a Libertarian and if I had a shred of intellectual honesty, I would have voted for Barr. As all beliefs were scrutinized at our dinner table, I never had the gall to tell my son how and what to believe politically. However, he came to the conclusion on his own that Locke, The Constitution, small government, individual freedom, and prosperity was of utmost importance to this great nation. He had his choice to be a Republican, Democrat, Communist(long story), or Libertarian and I would have loved him no matter what his choice was.. He chose the latter and as I’ve said before, I’m a very proud papa, but then again had his communist gene been dominant, I would love him just the same.

  5. Eds on December 14, 2010 2:19 pm

    Your son likely turned out well do to good genetics and high intelligence, not your hands off parental style. I bet these same techniques would have been a disaster if your son was in the bottom quartile of intelligence and had ghetto rat friends. That said it does seem your style makes sense for some people.

    By the way McCain would have been far worse than Obama. The backlash against Obama has revitalized the conservative movement.

  6. Snoops McGerk on December 14, 2010 6:48 pm

    I think your son turned out well for many reasons. You really don’t know why, but I think you had the right idea of parenting and I also think it could work with any sort of child.

    All you can do is try to increase the probabilities, and this seems like a good way to me.

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